hiddenbybravado

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-12-06T21:43:00

2004-12-07T05:54:41Z

i always seem to do this. Get journals, and then forget about them I mean. I guess, since it isn't in my nature to hide, I shouldn't try to.

It has been crazy for me lately. Stress and happiness, and bouts of a bit more than unhappiness.

I can't say that I'm not worried. College will be here before I know it, and mostly, I'm excited. I suppose what this comes down to, is that I don't want to be disappointed. Frequently I set myself up for being let down. I expect to much, and I think that to keep telling myself that in college the romantic part of my life will magically get better is a bad idea. Mostly, it's unrealistic. The last thing I want is to get to college, and after a few months realize it's going to be the same as highschool, and not have Liz there for me. Not have someone to hold me if I just want to cry. And I'm sorry for those of you who have had to put up with me processing this. I know there is nothing you can say, but I promise, it's helps that you listen.

I had a conversation about femininity and masculinity with my mother tonight. She doesn't understand my battle with finding a blance. I don't really expect her to. Strangely enough, a rather legitimate and honest conversation came out of a commerical for "the swan" Who says trash TV doesn't bring families closer together?

I really feel like I need a sit down with my father. I'm not sure exactly what I would say to him, but I feel like I need to cement a connnection, or slowly, what we do have will dissolve. I'm not sure how to approch this, because what we have now, is better than usual. It doesn't help that I know these feelings are coming from paranoia. I guess I'm just looking for him to tell me that a real, open, honest realationship between us is important to him. At least enough that we're not going to become begruding calls every other month to let me know when family events are ect. Maybe I'm expecting to much of him though. Too much of what a father daughter realationship is supposed to be.

I'm rambeling now. I should go to bed. Love.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-10-21T20:42:00

2004-10-22T03:48:10Z

You know, He'd be lucky to have me, and I wouldn't mind. Why am I so fucking scared? Why am I so paralized.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-10-18T14:56:00

2004-10-18T22:00:18Z

I suppose I'm like everyone else right now. And maybe that isn't a bad thing.

One song
Glory
One song
Before I go
Glory
One song to leave behind
Find one song
One last refrain
Glory
From the pretty boy front man
Who wasted opportunity
One song
He had the world at his feet
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl
A young girl
Find glory
Beyond the cheap colored lights
One song
Before the sun sets
Glory -- on another empty life
Time flies -- time dies
Glory -- One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory -- glory
Find
Glory
In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find
One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man
A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies

I could fake it, and honestly, I know how that works for me... but why am I so damned afraid? Why is it so unthinkable that someone could like me? This is fucking useless. Like so much else I try to fake.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-09-27T18:29:00

2004-09-28T01:28:41Z

Thanks for waiting for my lazy ass to add you back. Loves.

Do you believe?

2004-09-18T04:26:36Z

I just saw garden state fro the 2nd time. I guess it's better than I had thought, if for no other reason than it managed to envoke the same feeling. Again. For that, I suppose it served it's purpose... even if in me, it missed it's target.

I don't know what I'm looking for, what would make it all ok. And I'm so lost right now, I can't even being. Yet I know nothing is wrong, and if I watch some CNN or MSNBC, I'll fall asleep and forget all about it.

I'm not sure if I want to. That isn't very zen... but maybe this manageing isn't nearly as effective as I convince myself.

Where is God? I'm still looking for that damned truth. Do you believe in what you feel?

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-09-11T10:39:00

2004-09-11T17:44:23Z

I'm so fucking pissed off right now at Ben. All this shit... he keeps saying he's someone new and stronger, and yet he's only ok with people who praise him. I don't know what to do. He really hurt my feelings, and somehow is playing the victium. I was so fucking nice to that kid.

Seeing Larry and Joseph together was cute... but I felt loniely. I haven't felt like that for a while... I was caught off gaurd. I guess it's one of those things that never actually goes away.

I've been writing my personal essay for Baldwins, and all this reflection has left me a bit down. I feel like I will fail my father. Be it beacuse I'm bi, or gay, or stright or whatever. I don't even know. Or because he and I believe different things. I feel like I owe him a lot, and I'll be the only child who can be what he wanted to be. I keep thinking about the fact that his sur name with end with my brother. His legacy is dead.

I know it's superfical... but there is so much pain, that when I actually think about my life, I just get angry. And feel useless.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-09-06T21:46:00

2004-09-07T04:56:11Z

I wish people knew how much of assholes they are. Although I feel like a bitch for even thinking this. Ok, it's about Gia, I love her to death, mostly. But anyway, she's totally arrogent sometimes, and although I want her to be confident, there comes a point where it is egotistical. Somehow, probiably beacuse it's a self serving definition, it is more egotistical when the person is overly proud of shallow things, like physical beauty. I mean, I'm glad she's confident, and what right do I have to want to tell her otherwise? I'm sure it's mostly jealousy that makes me feel this way, beacuse she is a very pretty girl, and she gets attention from men and boys in a way that I don't, and have always kind of wanted, despite knowing better. Anyway, an entry of hers tonight made me want to comment, and just say "Re-read this if you ever wonder why people have a hard time with you"

She is appologitic to me for things like drinking. It isn't my business that she drinks, but then is totally unapologtic. It's more like, I just want her to choose.

She's down right dumb about some things, and doesn't try very hard in school, and then talks about being smart. She is smart. Or could be. And that crates a strange gap for me. She compliments me, by saying that I make her want to me more intellectual. But the way she said it makes me come off as having a supirority complex. Which, admittly I have a problem with sometimes... but not about everything! About things like poltics and science. And not with everyone... just people who are actually less educated than myself in those subjects.

Aw fuck, what the hell difference does this make anyway? I can't tell these things to her without starting a fight, which at this point it isn't worth.

I just wish she's stop pretending like she knows best because she's 18. It's less than two months for me, and it doesn't make that much difference anyway.

Blow

2004-09-06T04:50:36Z

For someone who has it together I'm pretty damn restless.

I saw "garden state" with Aliene, Liz, Jesika, and some chick I'll likely never see agian. I think we called her emily. Not that it matters. It was good. Zach Barefe, or what ever the fuck his name is, shows strong techniqual talent, and study. The writting was subtle and at least somewhat intellectual. It was existentialism, in a nice happy, or at least the kind of happy that normal people get, package. I liked it. I wish I liked it more.

I wish I liked them more. Mostly Aliene. She's nice. But like we all know, that the most shallow compliment that exists. I wish I liked a lot of things more.

On the way home, because I was pissed that my sister can't have a conversation with me without feeling stunted. Or insecure. Or whatever the fuck feeling she has.

I want her to honestly know what I feel. How I think. Fuck, I want anyone to know. I want someone who would kiss me like the soft focus of Casablanca to know. And to cum in side of me. To know more of me than I know of myself. But that's romantic crap isn't it? Does one person like that exist?

I can feel my skin crawl, for something. Something less restless. Something more awake.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-09-05T09:37:00

2004-09-05T16:45:03Z

Nothing liberates me more than 90 on a freeway, with the windows down, music loud, and being with someone you trust to love you, even after you scream/sing off key. Almost like the ocean, with its attempts to subdue you into a watery death. Nothing else matters, in my form of meditation.

Increasingly I worry for my sister, and her happiness. She and I presue such different goals, but inevitably are tied together by both sisterhood and friendship. I'm more like her than I really want to admit, and it makes it all the more difficult to help her. Not that I should help her, or that I even can. I simply want to give her my traits which make like easier. I wish she could be more felxable, or changer her oppinion on things, or allow for real growth. I know that I've hurt her lately with responses, which I suppose I arrogently impose beacuse of the idea that she might end up with more attactive social habits. But who am I to change her? Or even try?

I hope she finds what she's looking for.

hiddenbybravado @ 2004-09-04T21:21:00

2004-09-05T05:08:49Z

So... if you stumble across this journal, well, it's for me alone. I don't intend on keeping friends beause I need something private. I used to keep an actually journal, but I think better when I type.

Lately, (meaning the last year I suppose) I've become more and more conscious of global ideas and personal guilt. I tell people I'm looking for "higher truth" or "god" or "why" but more than anything, I'm trying to find what it takes to live in this world, and be Happy. It seems to me I have a few choices. In life, the presuit of noble, some say loafty goals has always been attractive to me, and I stand here, with three:

1) To make an honestly important, history worthy, positive contribution to the world, via science or politics.

2) To become completely and honestly happy.

3) To find religious/spiritiual/philosphical truth/extacy.

I think that these paths, for me at least will weave in and out of eachother like a haphazard braid, but only one, can I devote my life to.

It is a strange thing to be awear of the most shamful parts of yourself. I have a weakness for expensive brand name shoes personally. Spending some of my time actually looking a 1,000 dollar pairs of SHOES and lustfully wanting. All the while, full knowing that I live better than 96% of the world. And feeling so horrified at that. There is from where comes the guilt. I feel like I have humanity all on my back.

I get so angry, when I get upset over the little things in life, like boys, and SAT scores, and all that shit. It feels real, I know, but it doesn't matter, in the end. And not compaired to the things others go through.